Through the Eyes of Fred A Cricket
by mandrakefunnyjuice
Summary: Challenge fic for Freakyanimegal. I've managed to get ahold of Fred the Wonder Cricket's diary...ever wonder what he writes in there? Let's find out...
1. Chapter 1

(For the challenge of Freakyanimegal456. Hope this makes you all crack up…'cause if it didn't, then I'm not doing my job correctly. XD)

_You know Fred the Cricket, from freakyanimegal456's stories. He's the coolest cricket in the world. Nobody understands the mysterious wonder spirit unless they have a cricket dictionary. But upon receiving a whiff of curiousity, I have decided to make him central to this deranged and pathetic oneshot. What really goes on in Fred the Cricket's mind? We're about to find out… In diary format. Mwhahahaha!_

_I do not own ToS. I do not own Fred the Cricket. I do not own Dominos Pizza place. I do not own Dr. Pepper. Those credits go to Namco, Freakyanimegal456, the Domino guy, and whoever the hell owns Dr. Peppers. Got it? Good. I own what I write, but I do not own what I write about. So please, for the love of fanfiction, do not sue me. You'll get your asses kicked in a court case. (:_

_-MFJ_

* * *

---Day 59, noon---

These imbeciles won't know what hit them! Mwhahaha! I have had my minions place mind control devices in their pathetic human brains so that I may control them from afar…they will do my bidding. And I shall use their power to rule the world one day! This is swear upon my good name as Fred the Wonder Cricket. This feeble cricket body and my act of random annoying pestering will not last long…I WILL RULE THE WORLD! But for now I must wait and bide my time…but soon everyone will know the name of Fred, the Wonder Cricket. And through my genius plans and higly superior brain I will make my plans and control this idiot humans from afar! My only hope and wish is that those being with the elven blood in them do not defy me again…that alone would prove my undoing. I must hide my tracks so that they do not suspect…nobody can suspect. Only you, diary, may know. Only you will I tell this secret information. And you must keep it well, diary, for if you do not keep this secret…I'll put you on the book-burning-mobile the next time it rounds the corner.

---Day 60, early morning---

Damn those infernal humans! They have ratted me out again! It appears as if they have discovered the mind control devices once again…but they could not find the source. I was successful in keeping my tracks clean…no one will ever suspect the innocent Fred, the Wonder Cricket. Oh no, they would sooner suspect that ridiculous Wonder Chef before me. My minions should know otherwise…speaking of them, I have given them new orders. For now, they are to act as my intelligence service. They will observe these peculiar beings from afar, execpt when it's Spontaneous Tuesday. Spontaneous Tuesdays are special. On Spontaneous Tuesdays, they will reveal themselves and act as centres of annoyance and pester the infernal beings. Thus will they never suspect the true nature of my intelligence minions…and I shall be able to know what they do in every hour of the day. I will find their schedules and observe their actions, taking notes. Then will I, through a series of staged events and stunts that no sane cricket would ever dare to accomplish with the hope of remaining unsquished, place one of my genius mind control devices in their brain. I will control them, oh yes. I shall force them to do my bidding, and nobody will ever know it was me. Yes, it was me all along! Mwhahahaha!

Dearest diary, once again, I must force upon you the most important task of keeping this secret. If I were ratted out, you will be the one to pay, not I, for you are my personal scapegoat. I have made emergency plans and already created an escape route not unlike the Paris underground sewer system. It even involves a rocket chair, a magic eight ball, and a ball of rubber bands. Should you indeed be the one to reveal this conspiracy of conspiracies, I will not take you with me. And I will eat doughnuts and laugh while you are forced to watch as I enjoy myself without you! Hahahahaha! I hope that that, diary, is enough incentive for you to remain silent. May the Spirits have mercy on your white-paged and leather-bound soul if you do not appease me…

---Day 70---

I have not had time to write for a very long time. At least a very long time in Cricket-Time. This cricket body ages faster than I have suspected…I must seek a new body as soon as possible. Preferably another cricket, though. Crickets are nice and easy to maintain…But that is beside the point. I have not written for mainly one of two reasons. One, I was lazy and didn't feel like writing. Besides, it takes a very long time for me to write with my weak cricket-like fingers. Two (the more important reason)…THEY HAVE RATTED ME OUT AGAIN! Damn them, those infernal intelligent beings! They are smarter than I expected…I have underestimated their brain capacity. Especially that female with the blue hair. She seems to hold a grudge against me…she may find me out. I am afraid, diary, though I will not admit such weakness aloud. Though my brains may be highly superior to their own, theirs are larger than mine and thus have more capacity for thought…perhaps I should seek another body. One that is not a cricket. But that would be terribly inconvenient…

I hope it was not you, diary. If you were the one who revealed my secret, so help me Gods I will burn you alive. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?! I will have my minons take you while you sleep behind the shed and shoot you. Is that understood, diary? If you reveal me, and if I find out you are the one who is behind the foiling of all my most recent plans…you will not ever see the daylight again. Ever. Ever. Ever. Again. Got it? Good.

On a lighter note, we are ordering pizza tonight. I'm in favor of pepperoni myself, but my fellows seem to like canadian bacon and sausage. Since we could not agree, I told the pizza men just to give us cheese pizza. And Dr. Pepper. We need Dr. Pepper. It is our life blood. And if they do not deliver us our cheese pizza and Dr. Pepper soon…I shall chase them down the street with a rusty machete.

---Day 77---

Oh, dear, wonderful diary, I have had quite a marvelous week. I have never felt better in my life! In fact, I feel kind of dizzy. But it's a good feeling! You see, a few days ago, we ran short on our food supply…the pizza guy never came and we got pretty pissed about that, so I ordered my minions to burn down the pizza place…we were forced to run away from the community for awhile. Anyway, we were short on food, but my buddy George here found some mushrooms that tasted pretty good. And they make you feel good as well!

You know, these mushrooms got me thinking…I read you, diary, and all of my previous entries. Why can't we just have world peace? No need to take over the world or have mind-control devices…and those humans are pretty nice when they don't decide to squish you. Take a look at my minions. They worship my cricket-y legs. See? They're not so bad. World peace sounds kind of nice right about now…yeah! Everyone could have love and peace and happiness and we could have everyone eat these mushrooms and be feeling good all the time…

---Day 93---

…As far as you and I are concerned, diary, that last entry does not exist. And I was not under the influence of pyshotic mushrooms, nor did they make me feel happy and any way whatsoever. I will not even admit that I touched the infernal things, and I have had them burned on the stake. Those mushrooms will pay… Are we clear? Good.

I have decided to have George the Cricket publicly mocked and forced to eat mushrooms by the handful (and not of the happy kind). I do not think he will ever be the same again. Public execution seemed a bit extreme, so I will instead place any and all faults on him and he shall serve as my personal scapegoat. So, instead of you being punished for reavealing my secrets, diary, I will blame him. Everything is George's fault now.

On a lighter note, I have returned to my previous activites and ordered my intelligence agents to once more observe the those half-elves and humans on the surface. Yes, my base is underground…I was forced to move it down here. The smell of the mushrooms wafted up to the surface of the bakery we used to hide under, so the baker threatened us with pesticide. Damn it all, there I go mentioning those mushrooms again. They do not exist as far as you, I, and anyone else is concerned. Comprende? Good. Well, that's one more person on the "mind-control" list. That fat baker shall bow to me soon enough…oh yes! All will bow! Mwhahaha!

---Day 112---

Things have been busy, diary. My plans are soon to be enacted… I will rule the world soon, diary, and you shall be at my side! Mwhahahaha! You are the only one who I will confide my secrets to. And fear not, for now I have George the Cricket as a scapegoat. Everything is his fault. And if you reveal any conspiracies on my part, it shall be George's fault. I don't know how or why, but everything now is his fault. My minions have agreed that any thing that goes wrong is George's fault as well. They do not question me for fear of my chasing them down the street in a manner not unlike I vowed to chase the pizza man. How dare they not deliver my pizza and my Dr. Pepper…

On a lighter note, I got a new chair. It's a spinney one. It's very comfortable but it makes me dizzy. It shall be known as the Throne of Spinney Power! And any who oppose this name or think it is lame shall be spun in it until they puke! Mwhahahaha! Soooo eviilll…

---Unknown Date---

BLAST! I am found out! My plans are foiled! I would blame you, diary, for I know that you were the one who revealed my secrets…it can only be you! Oh yes, I would blame you if George the Cricket were not my personal scapegoat. Therefore, everything is George's fault. EVERYTHING! My mind control devices failed and my batteries ran out…damn those large-brained primates for foiling me once again! But I must remain calm and once again return to plotting…my day will come, diary. It will come. And on that day, any who cross me shall perish! Mwhahahaha! I will rule the world! Muhahaha…they thought that the girlish Fagdrasill Mithos was bad…you just wait and see…Alas, that time is not near. I will consult my magic eight ball to determine my next course of action. It always has good advice. And then… I WILL RULE THEM ALL! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

…On a sadder note, I have a cough today, so I must write out all of my evil laughter. It makes me sad, and my ligaments hurt from the effort of holding a pencil. I blame George. I don't know how or why it's his fault…but it is.

* * *

**Me: Well…that was…enlightening, to say in the least. Now we know what really goes on in Fred the Cricket's mind…erm…maybe I should return his diary, huh?**

**Fred: CRICKET!**

**Me: (pulls out Cricket dictionary) I'm sorry, what was that?**

**Fred: CRRR-ICKET!!!!!**

**Me: Come again?**

**Fred: C. R. I. C. K. E. T!!!!!!**

**Me: I didn't quite catch that.**

**Fred: (resigned sigh) Crickee…**

**Me: "Nevermind?" Oh, well, I never do. Anyway, once again, all credit for Fred the Cricket goes to Freakyanimegal456. And if I say so myself, Fred is freaking awesome (hahaha! I made a pun! XD). **

_**(-MFJ has left the building…)**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Me: I lied. It's not a oneshot. People seem to want a sequel, so here's a chapter two. :D Plus, I was laughing too hard last chapter to stop it then. There's gotta be more adventures, right? Muhahahaha! The continuations of Fred the Cricket's diary…still in diary format. I find that it's rather fun to write it that way. I'm including some of the suggestions from Freakyanimegal since she owns Fred in the first place and her ideas are awesome. ANYWHO…**

**Disclaimer: I own Microsoft. I own Pepsi. I own Nintendo. I also own Namco. And if you believe any of that, God have mercy on your naïve souls. :D**

* * *

---Day 155---

I find that as the days past my constant ratting on George the Cricket grows tiresome. However, I have not forgotten the mushroom incident. I still burn all mushrooms with a flame-thrower on sight. All mushrooms must die!! And George the (slightly unfortunate) Cricket will forever be my scapegoat. Am I depressed? George caused it. My plans are foiled yet again? IT'S GEORGE'S FAULT!

On a more happy note, I have made contact with the idiot sentient beings that I am observing. I feel that I may soon be able to set my plans in motion once again…this time, however, not with just mind controlling devices, but with cohorts. Yes, I have spoken to a few of them and was surprised that one of them was in the possession of Webster's Cricket Dictionary. Rather intriguing, no? I shall have to observe that one closely…she may be a prospect for a partner in crime. I will write more, diary, but later. It's lunch time and I feel like pizza again. (Pray that the pizza men deliver correctly this time, or else the burning of their pizza place shall not be the severest of consequences…I shake my fist in the general direction of their negligence in not properly delivering pizza and my Dr. Pepper! Curses on their mothers for not getting me my precious cheese pizza! I will never order Dominos again…I will resort to Papa Murphy's instead. I'll show them proper pizza and Dr. Pepper delivery…)

---Day 157---

Today is a day of conquest, my friend! I have begun teaching that girl with the Cricket dictionary the ways of world domination…her sissy-girl of a father won't know what hit him! Muhahahaha! Besides, I am a far better evil dictator than Mithos was. I will train her just to spite him. The girl shows promise…I must coach her in the ways of evil masterminds. She may be able to help us in our scheme, diary. If it weren't for that infernal George, of course. Everything is his fault. (Hahaha! Sucks to be George.)

It was slightly difficult communicating with the girl at first, but once she learned the ways of the Cricket, we understood eachother perfectly. I must comment, however, that she looks very much like her father, which is considerably pathetic since her father is merely a blonde version of her. She seemed also depressed by this. But later while I was teaching her the Art of Domination, her father came in and interrupted us, slightly dismayed that he didn't get to teach the girl about world domination. That is because he is a blonde sissy and couldn't rule the world if he tried…look where it got him. …I hope he didn't hear that. If he did….I blame George.

---Day 160---

Dear diary, I have been on the run for my life. The evil spirit Nagas has been chasing me…apparently she heard of my aspirations for world domination. I wasn't aware that it was a rumor…that means someone is leaking information! GEORGE! I blame George again! Anyway, I tried to compromise with that evil witch but she tried to eat me! EAT ME I tell you, EAT ME! AAAH! Don't eat me, diary! I already have enough people trying to do that already…

Anyway, as I said, I have tried various times to compromise with that twisted chaotic woman. I even resulted to bribes and threats. Note to self: do not attempt to bribe or threaten Nagas. She will eat you. I must end this here, diary, because I am still on the run. But I swear, one day…ALL WILL BOW TO ME!!! Even Nagas, the spirit of spite will be on her knees! But until that day…no time, have to run! She's after me again! AAAAAHHH!!!!

---Day 165½---

There is only one good thing that has come out of the past few days, dearest diary. Nagas has stopped attempting to eat me. But as I said, that is the only good thing that has occurred. The rest is too humiliating to mention.

That…THING…that…GIRL…the Spirit Saru…her name makes me choke. She has forced me to do her bidding, and as I am a lowlier spirit, I must abide by her wishes. She threatened to sic the Mind Saru on me, and I believe that you and I both, diary, can agree that that alone is enough incentive to obey any request no matter how extravagant. And speaking of extravagant requests…she made me make her a sandwich. FOR THE LOVE OF MARTEL, a SANDWICH of all the things!! She was already on my Kill list, she and that hormonal ninja-boy for forcing me to do those stunts…This is so diminutive and degrading that I cannot express it in words! I must roar and scream my frustration!!! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…Okay, I'm done. No more expressing severe frustration for me. It made my lungs hurt. Still, however…she made me put mustard on her sandwich. Mustard, of all the blasted things in this world…I hate mustard. I have always hated mustard, with all its yellowy nastiness…Note to self: Add 'mustard' to the Destroy On Sight list right next to 'all mushrooms'. She will rue this day! But one day, I swear…all will bow to me! And I will make sandwiches for nobody but myself! Muhahahaha! No, wait, I won't even make them for myself! I will have my minions do it! And they will not put mustard or mushrooms on my sandwiches. For every mushroom or mustard seed I find…I shall kill them. But until that day, oh diary mine, everything is still George the Cricket's fault and I will continue to make use of my evil mastermind so that I may one day rule the world…

---Day 171---

Those asinine humanoids have done it again. I blame George once more, though this time I know that it is not his fault. His convenience as a scapegoat, however, automatically places the blame on him. But I know it was you, diary. Somebody found you and revealed my blueprints. I am THIS close to loading you on the book burning mobile. Are we clear? You are on the border of destruction. I warn you, diary…should you reveal any more of my secrets, you will pay dearly. I will rip out your pages while cackling madly, and then I will feed you to Nagas. Then I shall throw a party…and I won't invite you! Do not betray me again…

This time it wasn't just the mind controlling devices that were the problem. That was the least of my worries. It was those accursed blue-haired half-elves again! They found me out! The Mind Saru and her severely-in-need-of-a-haircut seraphim father…curses on their intelligent minds and their mothers! They found you, diary, and put two and two together…I must remain calm, I must remain calm, I must remain calm…No, I must blame George. That will help me calm. I will punish George. He will suffer for being my scapegoat! Muhahahahahaha!

---Day 182---

The past few days have been uneventful for me, diary. Spontaneous Tuesday was last week, and my minions and I put on a guise of annoying pests. The oversized evolved primates, of course, were very annoyed. Good. It is working. They are beginning to forget that I have crossed them before…and Nagas, bless her demented and disgusting soul, is distracting them. That shall prove her undoing as I take over the world while her back is turned! Muhahahahahahahaha!!!!

Diary, though I hate to admit it, I am bored. My minions have continued in their observation of the humans and half-elves. I have discontinued lessons with the Sari girl out of fear her father will obliterate me. Maybe I am merely paranoid…I seem to be have a case of paranoia, no? And it DOES seem like everyone is out to get me…No, I am not paranoid. They are all out to get me…they're all on the verge of discovering me! No, that cannot be! I must hide my tracks even more carefully than I ever have before…

---Day 185---

Ridiculous! Absurd!! Complete idiocy!!! This is outrageous!!! Nagas has done it again, damn her! Curses upon her ancestors (if she has any). Instead of those pathetic humanoids ratting me out, she did it! I have never been more humiliated in my life (with the exception of two times, both of which I think you can guess at, diary). She is now on my Must Kill ASAP list, which only a select few are ever promoted to. I swear upon my good name as Fred the Wonder Spirit that she will pay for her transgressions…and she will rue the day she crosses me again! And she will bow to me! ALL will bow to me someday! How dare they insult Fred, the Wonder Cricket…they will pay for making fun of me! Oh yes, they will pay.

Perhaps I should explain, diary, though I grimace at the thought of reliving the moment. It was a miniscule thing, a minor error on my part…but that little error proved to be my undoing. She caught me in my planning session beneath the floorboard where I normally hide. I have been forced to move my HQ to another location yet again. Perhaps Castle Tethe'alla. Yes, that will do nicely…I could live in refinement for a change and survive on the King's food. But back to the point, diary. I must be more careful than ever and limit my already limited planning sessions to an even fewer number. This will require my genius diary…I must bring in the ultimate consultant. My magic eight ball. It is omnipotent, and it always seems to know the best course of action. It is my most trusted servant…it only disagrees with me on occasion to play the devil's advocate, and it does not speak out against me. In fact, it doesn't speak at all…I find this odd, do you not diary? What!?!?! How dare you suggest that it's not real! I'm holding it right now! Don't look at me like that!! It knows far more than you do diary. HEY! I said to stop looking at me like that! My magic eight ball is all knowing!!! It would never betray me! WHAT?!?!? How **DARE** you suggest such a thing!!!! Why I should…no, I will punish George instead. He has instilled these rebellious thoughts in you, diary. He has made you think that I am a psychotic idiot. He will be punished. (I don't know how it is possibly his fault, but that's the whole idea. If he's my personal scapegoat, he doesn't have to have a reason. It's just always his fault. Get it? See, personal scapegoats can be quite entertaining, diary. Maybe you should get one. They're fun, and not to mention extremely convenient to have around.)

* * *

**Me: This was really short, wasn't it? I'm sorry about that…I don't know about you people, but Fred's starting to worry me there a little bit at the end.**

**Fred: CRICKEEE!!!!!!!**

**Me: I don't speak Cricket-language.**

**Fred: …Cricket?**

**Me: Yeah, about that dictionary…funny story, now that you mention it…you see, what happened is---(goes off into a long-winded story about how she lost the Cricket Dictionary)**

**Fred: …**

_**(-MFJ has left the building)**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Me: HOO am I having fun writing this…hee hee! What can I say? Fred is simply amazing. Here's some more of his secret diary…don't tell anyone I have it…he might have my head on a pike.**

**Disclaimer: A "poem", by me:**

**A writing cop pulled  
****Me over the other day  
****And took my  
****poetic license,  
****So this isn't going to  
****Rhyme at all…  
****It just looks like it does.  
****I don't own Namco,  
****Though I wish I did.  
****Freakyanimegal  
****Owns Fred the Cricket's  
****Demented soul.  
I own what I write,  
Not what I write about.**

**Merry Christmas to all! (:

* * *

**

---Day 190---

Hahahaha! They have not found me out! That's right diary, I was successful in my endeavors! This is a time for celebration, my friend. George might even get the day off. But notice the might. He still has not lived down the mushroom incident…blast, there I go again mentioning it! Now I have to go and hunt down all the mushrooms in the city until they are all burned for their transgressions! HAPPY MUSHROOMS WILL DIE!!!

Oh, and mustard will die as well. Yes, the Spirit Saru will pay for making me put mustard on her sandwich! The vile yellow…crap…will perish, along with all mushrooms that stand in my path…they will burn with in the visage of my flame-thrower's power!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! DIE, DEVIL SPAWNS OF SATAN!!!!

AAH! There is a mushroom on the counter!!! It is staring at us, diary. It is suspicious. And there is mustard in the fridge…it has overheard us planning its demise! It must die! I must leave you diary, for there are mushrooms and mustard seeds to murder…

---Day 191, early morning---

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have killed all the mushrooms in the vicinity and burned all the mustard in sight! I revel in their ashes! And once again, I have chosen to blame George for the incident, even though he couldn't pick up a flame-thrower for the life of him. Once the humanoid beings awaken, they will discover their kitchen has been raided of all mushrooms and mustard…and the ashes will be found in the sink! George will be found on the scene with a flame-thrower at his feet, and the Eternal Swordsman and his fellows will blame my personal scapegoat for what I have done! Hahahaha, poor unfortunate George. A being with a conscience might feel pity or even guilt, but I only find laughter at his plight. George will pay for NO REASON AT ALL! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

---Day 193---

As I have been staying beneath the floorboards of the place where the humans live, I have noticed that they seem to have an addiction. An addiction to mushrooms. They keep purchasing more and more at that "grocery store" of theirs. And mustard. They all seem to like it on their sandwiches, except for a select few sane ones. I am shaking with anger. How dare they bring mushrooms and mustard into my sight! I will show them…wait…diary, there is a plan formulating in my mind! And…oh yes! It is evil! It is so evil…they like their mushrooms. They love their beloved mushrooms. And I will take the mushrooms from them! Yes, I will have my minions raid their kitchen on Spontaneous Tuesday of all mushrooms and mustard, and I will park the white van out front…Jiminy will open the door and SWOOOSH! Mustard and mushrooms will be kidnapped! And I will demand…something! What is it that those evil masterminds always demand? Oh yes, money! Moneymoneymoneymoney! I will demand large amounts of money in return for their mushrooms and mustard…and once I receive the money…I will not give them back the mushrooms and mustard ALIVE! Ahahahahaha! Soo evillll…and they will not suspect. Oh no, they will not suspect that their mushrooms and mustard are about to be kidnapped and held for ransom…and I WILL BE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE! And I will launder the blame to George (whatever that means). Everything will be his fault. The mushrooms, deep fried and fully dead, will be discovered at his feet! And I will burn the mustard alive at the stake for all of its yellowy nastiness! I'll show them to taunt me…FRED THE CRICKET IS NOT ONE TO BE TRIFLED WITH!!! Do you hear me, diary?!?!?! Do not tempt me or taunt me, or so help me I will strange you with silly string!!!!!

---Day 195---

The plan was successful! There was a crackhead in their midst who missed his mushrooms dearly…none of the rest of them seemed to care for the loss of the mustard. The mustard has been burned at the stake for crimes of merely existing in my presence. I grilled the mushrooms alive on the Wonder Chef's Magical Grill of Wonder (what kind of name is that for a grill, anyway?) and cackled madly as I did so. The mushrooms had it coming. And the idiot beings handed me the money as I requested…or rather as "George" requested, since I placed all the blame on him. He was most cooperative, considering his life was at stake (literally – he had a bomb placed on him, the blasted betrayer cricket). I do not know why I requested money be given…but I did not need a reason. Evil masterminds do not need reasons to be evil. We just are. And any who question us (including you, diary) will be fed to our pet sharks.

Speaking of pet sharks, diary, I have decided that I need some. I have been watching those Austin Powers movies and felt a kinship to Dr. Evil. I need a shark pool, with a button that will activate it and drop all intruders into it. It would be most convenient, and I can gloat about it in conversation. And any who tresspass upon my HQ will be at the mercy of the sharks. And hungry turtles. We need hungry snapping turtles. There are essential. I don't know why they are essential, but they are. I need a pet snapping turtle. GET ME A TURTLE, DIARY! OBEY YOUR OWNER!!! GRAAHHH!!!!

_(Fred thrashes his diary about the room, beating it up and tearing out various pages)_

---Day 198---

I do not feel sorry about the beating I gave you, diary. You brought it upon yourself. I laugh at your pain. Ahahahahahaha! Ahem. However, diary, I am seeing a therapist under the request of my minions. They all seemed to think that it would help me. And it has, oh diary mine, it has. I have calmed…but only slightly. I am still bent on world domination. Not even my ridiculous therapist can deprive me of that conviction. I will rule the world…and all who stand in my path – mustard and mushrooms especially – will be torn apart to pieces by my new pet sharks. Yes, diary, I now have a shark tank. And even a button that controls a trap door that drops into the tank. And their feeding times are far and few between because I desire to keep them savage and hungry. They seem to enjoy pizza particularly. Odd for sharks, no? And they do seem rather sophisticated, now that I observe them…now they are playing poker with eachother. Pfft. What kind of sharks are these, anyhow? I must call the shark-repairman and inquire of this odd occurrence…he has given me defective and passive sharks! They're probably vegetarian! BLAST! Why is everything going awry?!?!?! I NEED PIZZA!!

Alright, diary, I have called the pizza man and requested Dr. Pepper along with my cheese pizza. I have threatened to slit their throats with a rusty license plate if they do not keep to their word to deliver it in thirty minutes or less…and if they deliver it in ten, then I shall give them a tip for being extra-fast. Ugh, how very unlike me…I'm getting soft, diary. I'd blame my psychiatrist/therapist, but everything is George's fault.

---Day 200—

NOOOOOO!!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! Even now, I still mourn for the loss of my cheese pizza!!! But I have my Dr. Pepper, and I have you, diary, and I have George…but I don't want George. George can go and chase a cliff for all I care. My pizza is gone…and I am sad. And angry. I will make those damned half-elves pay some day…THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!! How **DARE** they take my cheese pizza!!!!

Perhaps I'd best explain, diary. You'll want to know the details, even though I am loathe to recount them. I had my pizza delived in less than twenty minutes. I did not give them a tip, for they went over my tip-limit of ten minutes. Ungrateful ingrates…at least they got to keep their heads. Anyway, diary, the next part was horrifying. My base was infiltrated. The smell of my cheese pizza must have wafted through the floorboards. They evaded my sharks, though I do not know how such a thing could come to pass. Blasted passive sharks, not doing their job! I ought to have them outsourced to some obscure country!! It was the Mind Saru and her imbecile of a father…and they took it! THEY TOOK MY PIZZA! They broke down the door screaming "CHEEEEESE!" at the top of their lungs and snatched my ultra-cheesy pizza away from me! It has been two days, and I am still weepy over the incident…but I am more angry than I am sad. I will get back at them…THEY WILL PAY FOR CROSSING FRED THE CRICKET!!!! **THEY WILL PAY!!!!! GRAAAAAAHHH!!!!!**

---Day 205---

Bwhahahahahahaha! I've done it! I've gotten those cheese-crazed half-elves back! It took me five days to enact and formulate the plans, but I've succeeded! And when they wake up…ooh…I must have pictures. I will send one of my minions to capture the event on camera. Their faces will be priceless! PRICELESS I tell you **PRICELESS!!!!** Ahahahahaha, I can't wait! I will write more later, diary…for now I must wait in anxious silence until they awaken. Hehehehehehehehehe….Fred the Cricket strikes again!

---Day 205 (later)---

Yes! Yes!!! YESSS!!!!! It has worked! For once, deary diary, my plans were not foiled! And there they are, screaming their heads off….muhahahahahaha! They will never suspect me, the innocent Fred the Wonder Cricket. Oh no, not the sweet Fred. He's too stupid and small to accomplish something on such a grand scale. Oh how wrong they are, diary…how wrong they are…

I suppose I must explain. You are probably confused, diary. But you will soon be laughing your head off…first, diary, I waited until late at night. Then, I snuck into their kitchen and stole my cheese pizza back. That was first priority. It involved some very high-tech equipment and lots of stunts that I'm sure you would be scared to even attempt, so I shall spare you the details. But I succeeded, and I managed to do it swiftly and silently with the help of my minions. After their refridgerator was successfully infiltrated, I hired a Marachi Band to go and wake the imbecile half-elves up and lead them to the kitchen. I forgot to mention, diary, I had hired some old help from the rats next door to come and eat all the cheese they possessed. They were angrier than I'd even seen them…mwhahahaha! Those blue-haired half-elves didn't know what to do! And while they were staring in horror as their precious cheese was consumed, I ate my pizza and laughed at their pain! Muhahahahaha! The next part was the best, though…as I predicted, they started to attack the rats with various brands of pesticide. Then, as they had their back turned, I pushed the button that I had installed on my spinney-chair of doom. And you know what that means, diary…yes! It sounded the emergency alarm, which summoned my Cricket S.W.A.T. team and they attacked the Mind Saru with…yes, diary…you guessed it…CATNIP! And as you know, the Mind Saru's animalistic form is that of a cat…MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! She still has not recovered!!!! Ah, it was brilliant, diary. And my Cricket Bomb squad is celebrating with more Dr. Pepper and cheese pizza. I love my job…

* * *

**Me: …Fred has problems. Serious problems.**

**Fred: (shocked) Cricket!!**

**Me: Don't deny it, Fred, you know you have issues.**

**Fred: …Cricket. (nods regretfully)**

**Me: Sorry that it's so short again. I couldn't stuff any more into it. It would've just made it…blech. But eh, it's still okay. Right? Right?!?!?!? **_**RIGHT?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!**_** I NEED TO KNOW!!!! MARRRGH!!!! (goes crazy for no reason)**

**Fred: …Crickee crickety cricket. (Translation: And she thinks **_**I**_** have problems…)**


End file.
